♪♪♪ (theme)
♪ Nobody knows the trouble I've seen ♪
‐I know. ‐♪ Somebody knows ♪
♪ The trouble I've seen ♪
This thing has knocked out more guys than Joe Louis.
The winner and still champeen.
Captain, may I be excused from this detail?
My nylons are baggin' all around the knees.
‐Get bigger knees. ‐Corporal,
you're gonna have to do a better job than this.
I want this floor clean enough to eat off of.
That's easy. It's already cleaner
than the tables in the mess.
Keep scrubbing!
Ah, what a festive mood people get in
‐at the G.I. party. ‐Oh, shut up.
Now, Major Houlihan, I hope you and your nurses are doing a good job.
We can hold up our end. Why don't you go and hold up yours?
Very well. When you finish checking that machine, check it again.
Frank, how long are you gonna be here?
‐Ten minutes. ‐Wake me when he's gone.
(inhaling deeply)
Those tanks aren't even connected!
I told you this was a tankless job.
Oh, you crazy guy!
Frank, go make yourself useful.
I'm a supervisor. I don't have to be useful.
Well, you're doing a great job.
Oh, go stuff a goose.
Put a little elbow grease into that, Corporal!
I'm all outta elbow grease.
‐Don't talk back to me! ‐Yes, sir!
You did that on purpose, you Lebanese lout!
Hold it. What's goin' on here, Burns?
I saw the whole thing.
Frank tried to eat Klinger's mop.
Burns, I put you in charge of this detail.
He's doin' a great job, Colonel.
He's already washed his face and his shirt.
‐At the same time. ‐Why is it taking so long?
Well, nobody's following orders,
and they're all grumpy.
Not true. I'm Grumpy.
‐He's Sneezy. ‐He's Bashful.
‐She's Dopey. ‐Go watch your mouth.
Okay, just get it done. Let's all try to get along.
♪ Get along little dogie ♪
I had a long little doggie once.
‐It was a dachshund. ‐Oh, a little hot dog.
‐What happened to him? ‐He got mustard out.
I relish these conversations.
Oh, will you knock off the silliness?
Oh, knock yourself off, goofball.
I was invited to the Goof Ball,
but I didn't have a thing to wear.
Oh, Colonel, they're making me sick.
POTTER: Me too.
Please, I just mopped the floor!
And look at it! It's filthy!
That's right. Criticize my work.
I mop my heart out, and that's all the thanks I get?
Don't talk back to me! I'm an officer!
But you're no gentleman.
‐(laughter) ‐Oh, can it, nurses!
Check the surgical packs.
Checking, checking. Checking packs like crazy.
MARGARET: Put a lid on it!
It's been this way all day, sir.
‐No discipline. ‐Okay, okay.
Let's all try to work together,
make the best of it.
(chatter)
I'm getting out of here.
Now you heard the Colonel.
Have fun!
Yeah.
‐Oh. ‐Ooh.
Hi, Father!
Any luck, Father?
We have a winner here. I found the mail.
POTTER: Bingo. You're a genius.
Oh, not really.
Mail's just in time.
Everybody's chewing each other up.
Oh, heavens. I have another surprise.
Don't tell me. You got Mildred in one of your bags.
No, Colonel. It's that movie you requested.
Your favorite Western.
Hot damn! Things are lookin' up.
Never mind what I told you before!
Forget the instrument packs and clean these shelves.
They're filthy. There's dirt all over them.
‐All right. ‐Come on now. Step on it!
Frank, if you say "Step on it" one more time,
‐I'll step on you. ‐Well, then, move it, then!
‐Move it! ‐Shut up, Frank!
Nurses, will you pipe down?
I can't hear myself yell.
Mind your own business, Captain. I'll handle this.
You're messing up my floor!
Will you quit walking on my clean floor?
RADAR (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel.
Colonel Potter would like to address the personnel personally.
There you go, sir. Just keep your finger on that button.
Thank you, Corporal. Ahem. This is good news.
I know you've been working your butts off‐‐
Excuse me.
And you're all as itchy as a dog at a flea circus.
(chuckles)
First of all, there's mail.
‐Oh, mail! All right! ‐What's mail?
That oughta cheer you up.
And after supper in the mess tent,
I've got a big treat for everybody‐‐
something you're all gonna love to see.
‐Gypsy Rose Lee! ‐Doing a fan dance.
It's my kind of entertainment.
My all‐time favorite movie.
Now, I'm saving the title till show time.
After chow in the Mess Tent.
So bye‐bye and buy bonds.
Oh, I shouldn't have said that.
RADAR: Oh, uh, take your finger off the button.
‐What? ‐They can hear what you're saying.
‐Oh. ‐I'd better handle this.
Ahem. Uh, Colonel Potter is now finished
with his message to the 4077.
See, sir, if you don't take your finger off‐‐
‐I know. I just forgot. ‐Oh.
Hey, Beej, you got a pen?
Why? Somebody mail you a pig?
I need something to write with.
Here, try this. But I think it's out of ink.
Very cute.
Hey, Frank, lend me your pen.
No, thank you, pal.
‐What do you mean, no? ‐N‐O, no.
‐Why not? ‐Because you'll ruin it.
The point's used to the way I write.
It's used to stupid?
Oh, stuff it in your Val‐pak.
Hey, Hawk, guess what Peg sent me.
‐A pony? ‐No.
A Dutch apple crumb pie. It's delicious.
Try some.
Mmm‐mmm.
This is really crummy.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, it's awful.
What? You gotta be kidding.
Would a dying man kid? Agh!
Geez, Frank, let me have some of that shoe polish.
What for?
I want to get this rotten taste out of my mouth.
You have no taste.
I did before I had that pie.
All right, I'll eat it all myself.
I'll be one of your pallbearers.
(mock laugh) Just don't bury me in that shirt
you brought me from Seoul.
You're knocking my gift?
I picked that shirt out myself.
No wonder it's irregular.
What do you mean?
I mean one sleeve is longer than the other.
No, no, no, no, no. That's not true.
Eh.
Wear it yourself.
I will. I'm gonna put on this lovely shirt
and go visit the nurses in it.
There.
(laughing)
Perfect.
Nothing wrong with this shirt.
Creep.
‐WOMAN: Who is it? ‐Quasimodo.
‐What do you want? ‐I'm here to ring your bells.
‐Come in. ‐Ladies.
‐Hi. ‐Hi, Hawkeye.
On behalf of the officers and gentlemen of the 4077th
and myself, I cordially invite you
to dinner and a movie
in what is accurately called the mess tent.
‐Please R. S. V. P. In this ear. ‐No.
This ear does not accept no for an answer.
Well, I'm sorry. That's the only answer this mouth has.
Where are you going?
We've been invited to dinner at I‐Corps.
Wine, tablecloths, silverware.
Pilots.
What does a pilot have that I haven't got?
‐A plane. ‐Why settle for a plain
when you can have a fancy?
We're tired of this place,
and we're tired of the same people.
We wanna see somebody fresh for a change.
I've always been fresh with you.
Not tonight.
‐What if I got on my hands and knees? ‐No.
‐What if I got on your hands and knees? ‐Not a chance.
Well, I'm not gonna ask again. A man has to have some dignity.
‐(knocking) ‐Yes?
It's me‐‐ Frank.
Oh, what do you want? I'm busy.
I wanted to talk to you.
Oh, all right.
Well, I was wondering if‐‐
Frank, you can come in.
‐I can? ‐Yes.
‐Really? ‐Oh, will you get in here?
Place looks just the same.
You know, you look lovely in this light.
The war's been very kind to you, Margaret.
‐Is that it? ‐No!
I want you to sit with me at the movie tonight.
Just as a friend.
Just as a friend, I accept.
You see? Even though you're engaged,
we can still be civil to each other.
‐You're right. ‐And after the movie,
‐I can walk you back here. ‐That'd be nice.
If it isn't too late,
maybe we can play war games like we used to.
Frank.
It was such fun, Margaret!
You'd hide under the covers and pretend it was a tent,
and I'd be a bomb and drop on you.
Frank! You bombed out! You lost!
And Donald Penobscott won.
(giggling)
Penobscott. What a stupid name.
And you're gonna be Margaret Penobscott.
I'd like you to meet the Penobscotts.
Donald Penobscott, Margaret Penobscott,
and all the little Penobscotts‐‐
Huey, Dewey and Louie Penobscott. Ha ha ha ha!
‐Frank? ‐Huh?
I'm gonna count to 3, and if you're still here,
I'm gonna snap off your epaulets.
Put it away. You know how I hate that.
‐1. ‐You're bluffing.
‐3! ‐You skipped 2!
The tension is so thick in here,
you could cut it with a knife.
Not with this one.
It's so quiet. Nobody's talking.
Perhaps the entertainment tonight
will improve everyone's disposition.
What is the movie tonight, Father?
That's privileged information, B. J.
I don't want to spoil Colonel Potter's surprise.
It better be good.
This crowd is ready to beat up Shirley Temple.
Hold it, soldier. Let me check that tray.
You didn't finish your peas!
They're hard as a rock, sir. They hurt my tooth.
You're wasting food! Just look at that tray!
I can't, sir. It makes me woozy.
You didn't finish your meat.
The meat's all fat. It‐‐
Oh, no. That's the potatoes.
Don't you realize there are people starving in Poland?
Here, you can send 'em this.
What's the problem now, Burns?
Well, sir, I'm the garbage officer.
We all know that.
And there's been a tremendous waste of food,
especially rutabaga, lima beans and breaded liver.
Is that a surprise to you?
Well, what if the enemy got a hold of this?
We'd win the war. Tell you what, Burns.
If there's any food left that you think is edible,
you eat it.
Here you go, sir.
May I have your attention, please?
I know you've been working hard all week,
and you've got a case of the cranks.
I'm confident tonight's entertainment
will make new men out of ya.
Uh, except for you women.
This movie's a classic.
It's got the three things that make a movie great:
horses, cowboys, and horses.
You might've guessed. It's a Western.
It's called‐‐ now hold onto your hats‐‐
My Darling Clementine.
Oh!
Ha ha! See? You feel better already.
Gee whiz. That's terrific.
I haven't seen a good movie in ages.
Oh, Frank, don't be childish. It's only a movie.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh boy! A movie! Hee hee hee!
I'm so excited, I could plotz! Ha ha!
CHORUS IN MOVIE: ♪ Oh my darlin' ♪
(audience cheering)
♪ Oh my darlin' ♪
‐(chatter) ‐MARGARET: I've seen this picture.
♪ Oh my darlin' Clementine ♪
♪ You are lost and gone forever ♪
KLINGER: Ooh, Alan Mowbray.
I never miss an Alan Mowbray picture.
♪ In a cavern in a canyon ♪
(whooping)
FRANK: Look at all that space!
‐There's Ward Bond! ‐Whoo‐hoo!
HAWKEYE: That's Margaret's whip!
♪ Forty‐niner ♪
♪ And his daughter Clementine ♪
B.J.: Who's that?
HAWKEYE: Uh, Alan Mowbray.
KLINGER: No.
Hey, there's Alan Mowbray!
B.J.: Who's that ridin' him?
POTTER: That's old Henry Fonda.
‐There you go. ‐HAWKEYE: Hey!
(collective cheers, applause)
Henry Fonda!
(applause, whistling)
‐(cattle lowing) ‐(chatter)
Uh‐oh.
‐Yep. ‐Uh‐oh.
There's Walter Brennan. Hee hee!
POTTER: Oh, yeah.
My name's Clanton.
This is my boy Ike. My oldest boy.
Hey, is Sweetwater up beyond?
Yeah, two, three miles straight up the trail.
(groaning, shouting)
I'm ruinin' my nails!
(whispering)
This film is full of splices. It's not my fault.
ALL: (complaining)
Hold on, now. Don't leave.
You're gonna miss a swell movie.
Tell you what. We'll fill in the time.
Let's all sing. A community sing.
(all groaning)
We'll have the film fixed in a jiffy.
‐Come on. It's fun. ‐(complaining)
It's also an order.
‐HAWKEYE: Oh, in that case. ‐All right.
How 'bout "The Tennessee Waltz?" Okay?
♪ I was waltzing ♪
‐Lower, lower, lower. ‐Too high?
♪ I was waltzing with my darlin' ♪
♪ To the Tennessee Waltz ♪
♪ When an old friend I happened to see ♪
♪ Introduced him to my true love ♪
♪ And while they were dancing ♪
♪ My friend stole my sweetheart from me ♪
♪ I remember the night... ♪
Father Mulcahy, you should've taken up the harmonica.
Yes, you're right. Colonel Potter's tryin' to keep the party going
till the film's fixed.
Have fun.
Sounds like they're having it.
I got it. Here we go!
‐Lights! ‐(cheers and applause)
Good evenin', Mr. Clanton.
Good evenin'.
Fellow with a trail herd, remember?
Oh, sure. I remember you.
You was right.
I didn't get very far with 'em.
They was rustled this evenin'.
That so?
Well, that's too bad.
Guess you'll be headin' for California, huh?
No, I figured on sticking around a while.
Got myself a job.
Cowpunchin'?
Marshaling.
Marshaling? In Tombstone?
(laughs)
Well, good luck to you, Mr...
Earp. Wyatt Earp.
HAWKEYE: Klinger, you moron!
(all complaining)
I blew the bulb. It's not my fault!
Who do I look like, Thomas Edison?
No, you look like Mrs. Edison.
I'll fix it. I'll fix it.
Got a good bulb here someplace.
FRANK: Well, find it!
Got an idea. Not a bad earring.
(complaining)
Hit it, Father.
♪♪♪ (piano)
♪ A chaplain in the army has a collar on his neck ♪
♪ If you don't listen to him you'll all wind up in heck ♪
♪ Oh I don't want no more of army life ♪
♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home ♪
♪ Oh the surgeons in the army ♪
♪ They say we're mighty bright ♪
♪ We work on soldiers through the day ♪
♪ And nurses through the night ♪
(cheering)
♪ I don't want no more of army life ♪
♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home ♪
♪ Friendships in the army they say are mighty rare ♪
♪ So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare ♪
(laughter)
♪ I don't want no more of army life ♪
Hey, hey!
♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home ♪
♪ The surgeons in the army ♪
♪ Their brains they are profound ♪
♪ But we'll take chopper pilots ♪
♪ They'll get you off the ground ♪
♪ Oh I don't want no more of army life ♪
♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home ♪
♪ The corporals in the army you say we're really green ♪
♪ But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine ♪
♪ I don't want no more of army life ♪
♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home ♪
♪ Oh some guys like the army I think that it's a mess ♪
♪ If it's so damn terrific how come I wear a dress? ♪
‐Fix the projector! ‐(shouting)
We don't want to hear songs! We don't!
♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home ♪
♪ Oh some nurses in the army they haven't tied the knot ♪
♪ But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott ♪
(cheering)
♪ I don't want no more of army life ♪
♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go, but they won't let me go ♪
♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home ♪
(cheering)
I've got it!
(cheering)
HENRY FONDA AS WYATT EARP: ...sucker game, Doc.
There's probably 50‐‐
HAWKEYE: Hey, there's no sound.
(all complaining)
HAWKEYE: Don't blame Klinger. It's an army projector.
B.J.: It's supposed to break down every five minutes.
‐Like the peace talks. ‐(complaining continues)
It's no use. I can't get the sound.
Lights.
(all groaning)
How 'bout some more entertainment?
I know somebody who does great movie star imitations.
(applause)
No, no!
Oh, okay.
Um...
okay, see if you can guess who this is.
(clears throat)
HAWKEYE: Radar's back.
POTTER: Now, leave him alone.
Show 'em, kid.
(imitating John Wayne) Well, it looks like
you've got some people around here
pretty mad at you, son.
But I'm not gonna hit ya.
I'm not gonna hit ya. Like hell I'm not.
(cheers and applause)
Barbara Bel Geddes!
The Mills Brothers!
Wrong. It's John Wayne. Ha ha!
‐John Wayne. ‐Who's John Wayne?
(imitating Jack Benny) Now cut that out!
(imitating Eddie Anderson) Okay, Mr. Benny!
Rochester,
now, how many times have I told ya, ya see,
never to interrupt me when I'm doin' the show?
Oh, Don. Oh, Mary.
Oh, Dennis.
Now that's the Mills Brothers!
Debra Paget.
(imitating Dennis Day) Now, Mr. Benny?
Sing, Dennis!
(cheers and applause)
♪ Ol' Hawkeye and ol' B. J. ♪
♪ They think they're pretty smart ♪
♪ I'd like to take a scalpel ♪
♪ And stab 'em in the heart ♪ Boy, this is fun.
♪ Oh, I don't want no more of army life ♪
(trailing off) ♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home ♪
The number in New Jersey is KLondike 5 4433.
And now, for the moment no one has been waiting for:
the Father Mulcahy sound‐alike contest!
(cheering, whistling)
You'll need that, Hawkeye.
(imitating Father Mulcahy) My word, Hawkeye.
This jocularity is most unseemly.
‐You try. ‐(cheering, applause)
Me?
(high‐pitched voice) Oh, how can you make jokes
at a time like this?
‐Ooh. ‐(cheering, applause)
(high‐pitched voice) Uh, the post‐op is collapsing,
and the O. R.'s on fire.
(laughter, indistinct chatter)
Uh...
and somebody has broken into the sacramental wine.
(laughter)
Oh, I'm sorry, Father.
(clears throat)
(high‐pitched voice) It seems that Private Simpson
has come down with a case of hepatitis.
It is the most remarkable shade of yellow.
(laughter, applause)
You, sir.
(high‐pitched voice) Jocularity! Jocularity!
(laughter, applause)
Let me just say this about all these impersonations.
(all shouting)
Now that is definitely the Mills Brothers.
(cheers and applause)
MAN (on film): Hold it. Sashay back
and make room for our new marshal
and his lady fair.
(cheering)
♪♪♪ (fiddle)
Uh, I have a car here for four nurses, for I‐Corps.
I'll see your car and raise you Henry Fonda and Ward Bond.
NURSE: Thank you, driver. We're staying.
Well, what'll I tell General Armistead?
Tell him we're watching a movie,
with more stars than he has on his shoulders.
What's the picture?
My Darling Clementine.
Oh, that's a good one. I just got a flat tire.
Ah‐ha! Swing your partner!
Yippee!
Well, by gosh.
‐(all groaning) ‐Again, with this?
Ladies and gentlemen, we have someone with us tonight
who may not want anyone to know she's here.
The toast of two continents and the Pink Pagoda in Seoul.
I don't know if we can prevail upon her‐‐
‐Oh, sit down. ‐Uh‐huh.
(cheers, applause)
‐Hit it, Father. ‐Hit what?
Anything.
♪ When love comes in and takes you for a spin ♪
♪ Ooh la la la ♪
♪ C'est magnifique ♪
(speaking French)
♪ When every night your lover holds you tight ♪
♪ Ooh la la la ♪
(speaking French)
♪ C'est magnifique ♪
♪ But when one day your lover drifts away ♪
‐♪ Ooh la la la ♪ ‐(Hawkeye continues in French)
♪ It is so tragique ♪
(chatter)
♪ But when once more ♪
♪ He whispers "Je t'adore" ♪
♪ C'est magnifique ♪
Watch out for the stagecoach!
(cheers, applause)
Say, that's the show, folks.
Here they come.
Doc Holliday's with 'em.
HAWKEYE (cowboy voice): Uh‐oh. This don't look good.
There's gonna be a shoot‐out.
Wait'll they get closer, ya fools.
Phin, cover your brother.
(gun cocks)
(gunfire)
(rapid hoofbeats approaching)
Look out, Doc! Look out!
(gasps)
(gunfire)
He's behind ya, Wyatt! Look out!
‐(horse whinnying) ‐Ohh!
(gunfire continues)
Throw your gun down and come on out, old man.
Hey, we got wounded out here!
WALTER BRENNAN AS CLANTON: My boys...
Ike, Sam, Phin, Billy!
WYATT EARP: They're dead.
We got wounded in here too.
Wounded! We got wounded!
(chatter)
♪ In a cavern in a canyon ♪
Scalpel.
♪ Excavating for a mine ♪
ALL (joining in): ♪ Lived a miner forty‐niner ♪
♪ And his daughter Clementine ♪
♪ Oh, my darlin', oh, my darlin' ♪
♪ Oh, my darling Clementine ♪
♪ You are lost and gone forever ♪
♪ Dreadful sorry, Clementine ♪
♪♪♪ (theme)